I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship lately. It’s a well-worn topic and yet there are still some aspects of it that perhaps don’t get discussed much – especially in the context of how friendships evolve over time.
Dispersed Friendships – My social network, like many others’, is geographically quite scattered. I effectively made it that way over 12 years ago when I moved cross-country to someplace where I didn’t know anyone. It creates a different dynamic when one is no longer near to your closest friends. You inevitably miss big life moment’s like weddings, births, deaths, and the like. And while Facebook facilitates keeping tabs, and while catching up is almost always quick and easy when it happens, there remains both a pang of missing out and a vacuum when in need. People who live where they grew up and where most of their childhood friends remain can’t really understand how different it is not to have one’s bestie nearby; they take it for granted.
Transient Friendships – In some places you’re surrounded by the same people for pretty much forever and a stable community forms. Other places like, say, Montreal or NYC, tend to be more transient. They are hot work or seasonal destinations but because of their cost or their politics or simply the ephemeral lifestyles of those attracted to them, these people move on to other places. I’ve made many very good friends in Montreal who’ve come and gone over the years – often leaving tough-to-follow tracks. Some of the people we share our most meaningful moments with – roommates, colleagues and exes, for example – often fit into this category.
Kid Friendships – An offshoot, I suppose, of Transient Friendships is the playful bond that a non-parent would have with a young child, like a niece or nephew. At no other point in life is age as obvious and the terms of your friendship more temporary. The child will outgrow your silly games and move on to someone cooler.
Superstar Friendships – Also tied to ageing but in a different way, there are those friends who either achieve big success or attain popularity that pulls them away and into different social circles. It’s these people, however, that will most need authentic friendships to counterbalance the burnout or fake fame.
Associated Friendships – Some friendships (including family ties) – even strong ones – are really only there through someone else. Break-ups and divorces expose this one and it – the return to default loyalties – can be a toughie to reconcile because it imposes such an unwanted and even uncomfortable separation. It’s like a game of Risk whereby the winner wins simply for having brought the larger army.
Newlywed Friendships – It goes without saying that friendships change when your friends marry and move their focus to that (usually) newer relationship.
Newborn Friendships – By newborn, I mean the parents of newborn children – especially first-born kids. These friends basically go off-grid for a couple years while they tend to feedings, sleepless nights, diapers, and family moments. In my experience, these overwhelmed friends gravitate primarily to other new parents and, although welcoming of contact attempts, seldom are they the ones to reach out when they resurface.
3am Friendships – This is a term I discovered in my conference travels around the disaster management space. 3am friends are those one or two or three friends that you could call at any hour of the night with a problem and they would be there for you. These are the people you write in on the waiver as your emergency medical contact.
What’s common about all of the above types is how they affect you as you get older. Dispersion, mobility, ageing, success/failure, affinity, birth and injury…
